you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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