here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
