I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
