Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
