tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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