Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
