Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
