I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
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Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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