Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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