I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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