just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
