I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
