I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
