i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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