White coat. Heels.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
