the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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