Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
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She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
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I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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