I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
And then he peed in my hair
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