It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
