she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
