Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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