i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
