I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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