Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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