I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
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