Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
