i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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