from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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