If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
