She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
