At least make sure they are 18
Why
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How does one acquire holy water?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
