Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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