I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
