Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
