After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i out mim tonsoeep
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
