i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
