the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
