I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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