WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
