No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
