Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
