i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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