apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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