imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
