it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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