tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
