I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
