I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
