Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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