The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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