A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
