I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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