just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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