you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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