I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
