I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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